The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.
She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.
She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.
I was riding along in the car with my sister. She put in a cd and suddenly, the song "At Last" played. I quickly changed it to another song. I couldn't bear to listen to it. That song meant so much to me while I was growing up. It was my dream..
The other day, I was driving to school alone and I decided to face it. I turned on the song and at first my hands clasped the steering wheel hard. I played it again for the second time and I closed my eyes. The third time I listened to it, it brought me to tears.
Do I dare to have hope again after a shattered dream? Can I reclaim it once more?
This morning, I was driving my car and just adoring God on the way to school. I felt his presence with me and it was a beautiful morning. I walked to my first class in the morning and just worshipped him in my mind. I felt peace and joy :)
By the time my class was over, my stomach was growling. I had dance class next and another class after that so I knew I wouldn't have time for lunch. I said to God, "I know you're not a genie but it'd be SO nice if dance class was cancelled so that I could have some lunch!" Dance class wasn't cancelled but no one in my group showed up. My teacher excused me early and I had time to grab lunch! Thanks God!!
I found my interpreter quietly eating lunch in the corner of the cafeteria. We had salad together and a nice conversation. I told her about my ideas to become a private tutor for the deaf. She told me to find an ILS center because they have rooms and deaf clients that I could work with. I smiled and said, "funny you said that, because my sister just got a job at an ILS center."
God, you planned the whole thing didn't you??
How can I doubt for only a moment that you exist, God? I see you working in my life and in other's all around me. I feel your presence everywhere I go and you're bigger than the trees and the mountains. You bring life and you live within me. Let me be a vessel that carries your spirit everywhere I go. I am not worthy, but I am blessed to know you lord. How I love to love you!
-Being a private tutor for the deaf after school (elementary-college level)
-Providing childcare for my nephew so he can be with family
-Submitting written work
-Teaching sign language to children and adults
-Teaching a dance class for little kids
(to be continued)..
I am proud to say that I will be graduating this May with a degree in Social and Behavioral Sciences. I can hardly believe that I have made it this far. I have accomplished something that I have set out to do. I also have been learning SO much from the ladies at church and from my wonderful pastor. I can honestly say that I have learned more valuable information from my church than I ever have from my college.
I have found this great desire in my heart to do God's will. I started feeling something nudge in my heart recently that made me question things. I have been accepted to an university and I planned to become a teacher a long time ago. But this time, I feel like that maybe God is leading me to become a stay at home mother. I know that it sounds absurd in this day and age for a woman to give up a career and stay at home with her kids. But God has called us to become mothers and raise our children FIRST above other things.
In this world, everything has been getting worse. I see it everyday all around me and especially in my classes at school. It breaks my heart and my desire for my boys to become Godly is so great! I know that they need their mother there with them daily, to lead them, teach them widsom and understanding, to show them how to live a Godly life. I have heard that so many children out there envy kids who have their mother there for them all the time.
This semester has been brutal for me because I really noticed that I have been spending so much time at school and studying at home. I am too exhausted to do all the little things that count! My kids have been missing out on spending time with me.
What I want is to finish college. What I want is to have a career. But it doesn't matter what I want. God's will comes first and my children come first above my own desires. I want them to have the best life possible and I want to teach them SO much! I want to have this bond with them that will last all of our lives.
God chose me to be their mother. I am blessed for that forever. I promised God I will give everything I have as a mother and that I will teach them about him. It's hard to believe that I am coming to this decision but I feel like God is leading me this way. He has a plan for us and I trust in him. I know that this will be very difficult as a single mother, especially when it comes to finances, but God will always provide for us.
I have been living a certain way for the past two years. It's time that I come face to face with it. It is my dark secret and something that I must confess. The truth is, my heart died. The pain killed it slowly and then I buried it in the dark. I built an empire of walls around it. Behind my smile, I am so empty inside. My chest feels like a hole and the truth is that I am a ghost of the person that I used to be.
I have made so many mistakes. I realize that now. I am cynical and negative. Whenever I see people happy, I feel a thousand miles away. I scoff at love songs and romantic movies. I secretly think that every relationship is doomed and bound to be dead. I don't believe in love anymore.
How can that be when I believe in God? And God is love. The mistake I made was investing all of myself into a man that I fell in love with. I believed that the right man would complete me and we would have the adventure of our lives. When our marriage crashed and burned, I realized I lost everything. I lost my innocence. I lost my faith. I lost my hope and my joy.
I used to be a girl who would listen to "At Last" at full blast while traveling down an empty road in the sunset. I used to be a girl who believed in fairy tales and that love would last forever. I used to be a girl who had dreams. I used to be alive.
I never should have put everything I had into a man. I should have put it all in God. Through him, I may live again. He is my hope, my joy, my peace and he is my strength. He is my knight in shining armor who will shatter my walls and break the chains I have around myself. I know that there will be a happily ever after when I go to Heaven with him. It was him all along that I have been waiting for and I never realized it.
I did everything right but I forgot to trust in God. I built my life from scratch and I worked so hard to make everything beautiful again. I was in control of my life and obsessed to make things perfect. I have a beautiful home, a college education and my kids have everything they want and need. I believed that I would make a better husband, a better father and a better provider than any man could ever be for me. I shut everyone out. I shut God out.
And I have to let go and let God take the reins. It's scary to think about that. It's terrifying actually. It's like falling and letting God catch me. He will be in charge of my life and I have to let his will be done, not mine. I pray, oh Lord.. help me let go and to trust in you to take care of everything, even if things aren't the way I want them to be. Everything is in your hands now God.
Jesus said that he has come to give us life and that we may live in abundance. If we seek him FIRST above all things, he has promised that all the other things will be added unto us. Life is so much bigger than ourselves. It's all about God and I want my life to be a testimony unto him.
Forgive me Lord for all the times I have worried and doubted you. I was so blind. Come into my heart Lord. Let me live again and that I may live in you.
