What an amazing day.
I woke up early and frantically dressed my kids and fed them breakfast while making sure the house was spotless because my ex husband was coming today. It was awkward at first and the kids went to spend the day with him and his parents. I felt this compelling feeling prior to today that I should talk to him about custody arrangements. It just didn't feel like the right time so I prayed to God to lead me and tell me when. When he dropped the kids off home, I felt a door open in my heart and then I asked him if we could talk. He said okay and I wasn't sure what to expect. I asked my family to pray and I prayed too that it would go well.
We both agreed how we were tired of going in and out of court and never seeming to settle anything. I can't imagine doing this for the rest of our lives and battling for every tiny little thing. I am emotionally drained from worrying alone. All I want is for my children to have a home with me. All I want is to tuck them in bed at night, sing to them and see their messy hair and sleepy eyes when they wake up in the morning. I want them to have a real home and to have stability. I was willing to trade in anything to have this one thing.
He told me something and I couldn't believe I was hearing it. He told me he wasn't going to fight for physical custody. He told me that he only want joint legal and a visit every other weekend and holiday. I didn't mind that. I couldn't believe that we both wanted the same things. I kept trying to hold back tears because I didn't want to bawl all over him. Believe me, I was about to! You mean.. really? I get to keep my babies home with me and I don't have to worry anymore??
I can't describe the feeling of worrying that you could lose your own children. They are my heart and soul. It's already so hard just to be away from them overnight. We have been inseperatable since they were formed in my womb. I haven't slept a full night's sleep in two years. My mind has not rested from the worry. Now I can see a silver lining after a storm. I am still holding my breath until the court date in July. I am still waiting to exhale.
Right now I feel like a laundromat. I feel sadness, anger, love, hope, memories, loneliness and freedom all tumbled inside. Pretty soon, God will wash everything clean and wipe away my tears.