I have been living a certain way for the past two years. It's time that I come face to face with it. It is my dark secret and something that I must confess. The truth is, my heart died. The pain killed it slowly and then I buried it in the dark. I built an empire of walls around it. Behind my smile, I am so empty inside. My chest feels like a hole and the truth is that I am a ghost of the person that I used to be.
I have made so many mistakes. I realize that now. I am cynical and negative. Whenever I see people happy, I feel a thousand miles away. I scoff at love songs and romantic movies. I secretly think that every relationship is doomed and bound to be dead. I don't believe in love anymore.
How can that be when I believe in God? And God is love. The mistake I made was investing all of myself into a man that I fell in love with. I believed that the right man would complete me and we would have the adventure of our lives. When our marriage crashed and burned, I realized I lost everything. I lost my innocence. I lost my faith. I lost my hope and my joy.
I used to be a girl who would listen to "At Last" at full blast while traveling down an empty road in the sunset. I used to be a girl who believed in fairy tales and that love would last forever. I used to be a girl who had dreams. I used to be alive.
I never should have put everything I had into a man. I should have put it all in God. Through him, I may live again. He is my hope, my joy, my peace and he is my strength. He is my knight in shining armor who will shatter my walls and break the chains I have around myself. I know that there will be a happily ever after when I go to Heaven with him. It was him all along that I have been waiting for and I never realized it.
I did everything right but I forgot to trust in God. I built my life from scratch and I worked so hard to make everything beautiful again. I was in control of my life and obsessed to make things perfect. I have a beautiful home, a college education and my kids have everything they want and need. I believed that I would make a better husband, a better father and a better provider than any man could ever be for me. I shut everyone out. I shut God out.
And I have to let go and let God take the reins. It's scary to think about that. It's terrifying actually. It's like falling and letting God catch me. He will be in charge of my life and I have to let his will be done, not mine. I pray, oh Lord.. help me let go and to trust in you to take care of everything, even if things aren't the way I want them to be. Everything is in your hands now God.
Jesus said that he has come to give us life and that we may live in abundance. If we seek him FIRST above all things, he has promised that all the other things will be added unto us. Life is so much bigger than ourselves. It's all about God and I want my life to be a testimony unto him.
Forgive me Lord for all the times I have worried and doubted you. I was so blind. Come into my heart Lord. Let me live again and that I may live in you.