Bring on the Rain

I got this in the email today from Celeste, who used to be my sister in law (and still an awesome friend). I absolutely ADORE these pictures!! Aren't they cute??! My boys are sitting on the bricks with their cousins! Landon and Brady are on the left side and their cousins are on the right side! Aren't they such HANDSOME little gentlemen??

Today, my boys came home from their weekend with their father and I missed them SO much! I don't think I will ever get used to having them away from me. I was telling Landon that I loved him so much that mama's heart feels like it could explode! I did the "kab0Om" effect and he laughed. Suddenly, I found myself weeping and I just held him tight and told him that I am so thankful for him!

Today, I was brought to the local fire department with my kids and Lisa's family. All I knew was that they were handing out toys and the media and santa was going to be there. There was a press confrence and we applauded for all the contributors. Suddenly, Scott got up and he talked about me. It all happened so fast and he said I got a new minivan! What?? And that the bags and bags of toys in the corner were all for my kids! What??

The media was there, the news channels and the newspaper people were there. Also, dozens of people were there. I was just in a DAZE and shock!! Am I dreaming? lol. I was asked some questions and I hope I gave good answers. I was like a kite flying high in the sky.

God has been SO good to me and my family!! The Bertolinis have been a Godsend to us too! My cup runneth over! I didn't have ANY money this month and we've been broke all month due to debt from the past. I have been three months behind on a loan. I only got the kids Spiderman slippers for Christmas that was 99 cents on Ebay. I felt awful not being able to get them more.

Now we have a car! With NO payments! Now we have food and toys for the boys! God ended this year with a BANG for us lol. I am very blessed! I do not deserve any of this, but I have a GREAT God who is merciful and loving. Thank you to everyone who helped us and you all are doing a wonderful thing helping so many families!!


"Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it." Malachi 3:10

God has blessed me and there's no more room to receive it, that I have to open all the windows of my house because it's flowing!! I will never forget this day!!

Today, I was sitting by the window on my couch. I had finished my book and I was drinking coffee. I was thinking about the Lord and then remembered a recent experience. It was a beautiful, awe-filled experience. I feel it whenever I remember what happened. I have wanted to share it with my friends but I haven't because I was afraid of what they would think.

Then I started thinking that I shouldn't be worried about that at all. The Lord has showed me something profound and it shouldn't be kept a secret. I decided that I would write about it tonight.

I'll start with a brief explanation first. Growing up, as a girl, I have always been able to see spirits. Not like psychics do and no, not like the Sixth Sense movie. For a reason that I haven't understood yet, God has showed me these things. I saw a lot of dark, shadow people growing up. I also saw demonic entities who took on many different forms. We were haunted growing up and I believed they were following my father.

When I was ten, I found Christ as my Savior. That experience changed too. I still see spirits sometimes but they are not here for me anymore. I see them passing by once in a while. I ignore it most of the time.

This summer, some of you remember that I was living in a dangerous area and that we were stalked by a gang in white masks. They would come and bang on our door in the middle of the night trying to get us to let them in. My brother in law saw a gang wearing white masks ready to pounce if we opened the door and he called 911. They did this four times. It was scary enough, but I didn't tell anyone about what was happening on the inside of the apartment.

The apartment was haunted and we struggled during the time we stayed there. They would turn the lights on and off, bump on our bed while we were sleeping, run fast out of the corner of our eyes and Brady had a bad incident where he saw one of them. He was inconsolable for three hours and just cried and cried and wouldn't let me go.

One night, I was online and I felt a heavy presence just cower over me. I felt surrounded by invisible and evil beings. I ignored it and walked to the kids' room. I immediately saw something run fast past the corner of my eye. I ignored that and crawled into bed with my kids. I said my nightly prayers and suddenly, I heard shrill shriekings in my ear. Mind you, I am very deaf, so if I heard it, it must have been extremely loud.

I kept praying. Suddenly half of my face felt like it was burning. The room was dark but I saw a pitch black mass on the ceiling. It was frantically moving about the ceiling. I ignored it, closed my eyes and kept praying. I heard the high pitched shrieking again. I looked again and this time, the black entity was fighting with something.

I didn't want to stare at it directly because it terrified me. I looked over to the side by a few inches and could see it clearly. The black mass was fighting against a clear being that looked like water but it was invisible and I could see it move. It's hard to describe but it's like the Hollow man movie with Kevin Bacon and that even though it was clear, you could see it move. I believe that was an angel.

They were fighting intensely and clashing against each other in a speed that was not human. I can't explain it but the moving was not at Earthly speed. It was so quick, so fluid and so fierce. They kept clashing and clashing without pausing for a second and whenever they clashed, I could see sparks fly in the middle. It looked like white flashes or fireworks whenever they clashed and it was like swords clashing to me even though I did not see swords.

The black entity paced around the ceiling and tried to attack the angel from different sides. My heart was pounding and I started reciting Bible verses outloud by memory. I fumbled over it a few times because I was panicked. When I recited the verses loudly, the fighting actually got MORE intense! It became more violent and more quicker. I believe the Word of God had an impact.

This actually continued for several long minutes. Usually, when I see spirits, they run away but these were different. I have never witnessed ANYTHING like this! And I saw it for a prolonged period, maybe 6, 7 or 8 minutes! I have never seen them fight too!

I ran quickly to my mom's room and we turned on all the lights. We prayed and rebuked them in Jesus' name. I slept with the light on every single night (outside for the intruders and inside for the spirtual intruders) for a month until we finally moved.

I am still in awe and I believe the Lord had Angels fight for us. I feel so.. humbled by that. Just, wow. I don't know why God shows me these things, but I feel blessed because I know beyond a doubt they are real. When you see it, you have no choice but to believe it. I am here to tell you all that there are Angels and Demons fighting for us. It's real.

And I know not everyone will believe me. I haven't told many about it but I've heard from others that they have went through a similar experience and have seen things. People are afraid to speak up and share their experiences because they are afraid of what others might think. That is so disappointing. I think we ALL should speak up and share these experiences. It'd do so much if more people started coming forward.

I understand that not every person has seen a spirit, good or bad. I want to remind you that it is Biblical. The Bible speaks of Demons and Angels countless of times. They are real beings and they are out here, fighting over us. I know I will never, ever forget this experience. It leaves me in awe every time I think about it.

Do not fear. Remember the demons tremble in the presence of Jesus.


"For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways." Psalm 91:11

"For it is written, He shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee" Luke 4:10

I am getting to know a new friend online and she mentioned that she couldn't find my life story on my blog. I started thinking that I didn't have one here and that I should make one. Also, God has been SO incredible in my life and I want to share what he has done for me. Ok, got your coffee yet? Here I go.

I was born in 1984 in North California. I was born deaf and I was born into a deaf family. I consider that very lucky since it's rare for there to be a deaf family. It's from a gene called Connexin 26 and two people have to be carriers of that gene to have deaf children. My sister came two years later in 1986. She was born hearing but progressively lost it at the age of two.


We were born on the road. For ten years, my father couldn't stay in one place too long. We moved about every two months. I spent my childhood in the backseat of a car (he couldn't keep the same car for too long either and would trade it constantly). I remember staring out the window and daydreaming about my future. All I did was daydream when I was growing up.



When I was 10, my mom finally had the courage to divorce my father. He was very abusive to all of us. He also admitted he was bisexual and was in love with a man in a wheelchair. The cut off shorts should have been a dead giveaway but what did I know back then? I watched him beat my family for years and even as a girl, I prayed that I'd be big enough to stop him. He was so evil to me. My own father and I never called him "dad."

My mom remarried very quickly to a self employed plumber. He was very nice and I loved him as my stepdad. We never had a chance to grow in our relationship as father/daughter because he was a workaholic and gone all the time. I didn't call him dad either, but he was a good friend.

I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior when I was 10 years old. I was aware of God and sought him out. I wrote a story about that experience in a previous post. Immediately, life changed and God blessed our family abundantly. We finally had a REAL home! I had my very own room! I got to stay in the same school because back then, I went to fourteen different schools. Life was beautiful for the next several years.

When I was 16, I was infatuated with a boy who worked at the local video store. I was terribly shy too and couldn't even bring myself to make eye contact for two years. Finally, my mom locked me out of the car until I wrote down my number to give him when I was 18. He called me that night. We dated for five months and married before he was sent to a Navy bootcamp.


I grew up innocent and wanted to save myself for marriage my entire life. When I met him, I was drawn to the world and I would do anything for him. I compromised myself and upon doing that, I left God in shame. I couldn't bring myself to face God for a long time after that. I also became terribly sick physically and constantly after committing that sin and everything started falling apart when I left God.

The two months that he was gone at bootcamp was terribly difficult for me. I joined him in Great Lakes, Illinois after he got out of bootcamp. Immediately, I noticed that he was a different person and I remember feeling afraid that I had married a stranger. Nevertheless, I ignored it because I was madly in love with him. He grew into a person that was far different than the one I had met. I don't know whether he changed, or if I was simply blinded by love before.

It had gotten worse when I was pregnant with our first child, Landon. The verbal abuse started, the neglect, and he became friends with a bad crowd. He started strangling me, banging my head on the wall and twisting my arm. He left us constantly and would go out all night. He became addicted to the single guy life, started cussing, listening to bad music, going to bars and spending a lot of money. Our family became his ball and chain. It was very difficult for me emotionally because I had no one to confide in. I was completely alone and isolated for three years in Illinois.

I became a ghost of who I was. I was very depressed and felt so alone in the world. My computer broke and I couldn't contact my family and friends. We had no cable tv and barely any furniture. I was stuck inside that tiny base housing with no car, no money and couldn't walk far in the snow. He was the only person I had to talk to and he wasn't around. When he was home, he acted so irritated and annoyed by me. My self esteem went down the toilet.



Finally, he was deployed to California and he stayed in south California while I stayed in North California with my family. He didn't want us to come with him so we'd "miss each other more" if we were apart. Before he left for the south, our relationship was falling apart. I separated from him for a week to make him "wake up" but he left for two days to party with his friends the moment I got home. He spent every waking moment with his friends and I desperately needed us to save our marriage. Divorce seemed to be inevitable.

He left and it would be a long time before I saw him again. I was so depressed. A week after he left, I played with my sister's pregnancy test that was sitting on her sink. I couldn't believe it when it was positive!! I was pregnant with Brady. I called him and he didn't sound thrilled one bit.

He came to visit for a few days in July and left. Financially, it was awful. We were negative 500 dollars every single month. When he left, I didn't hear from him for two weeks and we were negaitve 700 dollars. I was panicked and worried. I started searching for him. I opened bank statements, bills, emails, and everything I could to find him. I had NEVER opened these letters before in our marriage because he insisted on handling it. When I did, it changed me forever.

I kept finding more and more things.. secrets.. and I realized he was leading a double life. He was going to weekend getaways to the beach, he went to places he swore he would never go with women who show themselves sexually, he was emailing his ex girlfriend back and forth saying that we were getting a divorce and that he missed her. I was spiraling into a hole of pain and more pain as I continued finding more information. Hundreds of dollars was being spent for his clothes, dvds, cds, while I couldn't afford rent, diapers and milk at home.

I was a mess. I tried talking to him but he threatened to cut off our conversation and leave if I mentioned any problems. I cried and cried and I thank God for my family who helped us make it during these months financially and emotionally. I didn't hear from him for a month. I ran to a lawyer's office and got divorce papers. I told him I wanted a divorce.

I went to church with my mom and they intervened. They told me to go back and God can save our marriage. I felt inspired and I drove home and tried contacting him. But then at the same time, I noticed a girl on his MySpace profile that posted a happy birthday comment to him. I clicked on her profile and there were pictures, slideshows and all of that of them together in bed, kissing and she wrote "all night long and the morning after." I was in pure shock and I remember shaking so hard and saying "oh my God, oh my God, oh my God."

He denied it completely. He came to visit two weeks later for Landon's birthday and he finally admitted it. I was in shock and it felt like I was falling from the sky and hadn't crashed on the floor yet. I had the divorce papers on the table and told him to walk away from it all. I said I forgave him, but we needed to start from scratch all over again and rebuild our marriage from the ground up. He said he could not change and that he was happy. We had breakfast before he left and he looked lustfully at a hostess' rear end. I remember thinking that it would be the last time.

He signed the papers and left. That was it. He emailed me a few weeks later and said he knew we would get back together. At the same time, he was emailing a red haired girl online and giving her his phone number for him to "entertain her." I couldn't sleep until 4 in the morning and told him that I wasn't here to wait for him while he fufilled his lusts, became satisfied and decides to come back at his convience.

The following year and half, I was empty. I felt my heart slowly die and it became a black hole in my chest. I was so pale that people thought I had a terrible illness. I just didn't care about myself anymore. I had to keep going for my two year old and the baby in my belly. I can't explain it except that it's like you're dead but your body is alive.

My mom moved in with me during this time and she was an amazing support. She went through a divorce the same time I did. My stepdad was unfaithful and quickly married our neighbor. We helped each other through the hardest time in our lives. I am forever thankful because she taught me how to be strong.

I gave birth to Brady and it was like a dawn. He was so beautiful and God blessed me with a deaf child. When I was 7 months pregnant, I prayed to God in solitude by the window and said if it was his will, I'd love a deaf child. God answered my prayers. I slowly came back to life after that and tried getting my life together.

I moved here and life got much better. I went to college to finish my degree. God blessed my life incredibly. My ex husband left for 8 months in the military and we had a chance to experience peace. No arguements, no threats, no pain, no war. Just peace. I found this amazing church and grew very close with some members there.

When I felt worthless and ashamed, God reached for me, loved me and pulled me through. He used me even though I was nothing. He changed me, transformed me and he is my WHOLE life! I have been alone with my kids for two and a half years. I am using this time to grow closer to the Lord, to raise my boys in his glory and to find myself again. I'm no longer the same person I was back then, but now I have a chance to get to know myself again. God has given me a new identity and he calls me his own. I am his.

When I was ten years old, I went to a small baptist. At that time, I felt a longing to know the truth and I sought after God for the answer. The pastor's wife asked me if I wanted to be saved and I quickly said yes. She brought me into baptismal right away. I was baptized at 10 years old.

I went to a Christian camp a month after that. I felt an urgency in my heart that I still needed the truth. Something was MISSING. I could feel it and it made me so restless. I asked the chapel minister. I asked the people from church. I asked and no one had an answer for me. They said, "do you believe in God?" I said yes, but is that it? Is that all? There just had to be more because the devil believes in God too.

At the end of the week, I was walking to the campfire at night with the youth group. I lingered behind the group and just stared at the stars. There were tall trees swaying in the night sky and the stars were just vividly shining. I felt this great peace and awe. At that moment, it was like God looked right at me. The answer came right from the sky and fell blazenly in my heart.



All of a sudden, everything made sense. It was a click, it made sense. While no one could answer me, God answered. I grabbed my missionary friend and started rambling. I don't remember what I said, but I remembered my knees shaking. I felt this awe, this glory, this beauty enter me and it felt cleansing and thrilling. I was only ten, so I called it 'magic bubbles.'

I knew the answer. It was to make a conscious decision; a deliberate choice to accept Jesus Christ as my Savior. I had to give Jesus permission to save me because I was a sinner and was on my way to hell. He was waiting all along and was by my side from the beginning. All those times, I knew I was never alone.

I grew up and I was a very good girl. I loved God and worshipped him. When I turned eighteen, I was so fascinated with the world. I was caught up in getting attention, wanting to go crazy with my freedom and I had left the church. I read devotionals but I started getting weaker in my faith. I was too caught up with the world. I met my ex husband and fell in love fast! He was not saved or a Christian at that time and I didn't care. I wanted him and I wasn't going to listen to anyone. I did anything to make him happy, and I compromised myself and I broke my vow of purity to God. I felt so ashamed to face him and I couldn't bring myself to pray to God for a whole year.

My life went downhill after that. I had marriage problems. We went to the wrong crowd and I tried drinking to impress my ex husband. I hated it the entire time and I knew I was far from God. Everything literally fell apart because I had left God. I got a divorce and it was so heartbreaking and devastating. I had to drag myself off the floor and I just ran to God. For a long time, I felt like I didn't deserve God at all but I kept desperately clinging to him. God spared me from so much pain and suffering during the worst time of my life.



He led me to my church and my life has changed since then. Dramatically. Literally. Forever. I grew so much in this church and I grew closer to God. My life changed when I handed it over to God completely. I can't begin to describe what this journey has been like. All I know is that God has changed me forever and given me a whole new life. I never want to go back. I want to keep going forward and grow closer to God everyday until I die.

I need an official point even though God has already been pulling me into a new direction. My road keeps turning towards him. I want to make it official. I want a new beginning. I want to take that step where there is no turning back anymore. I want to rededicate my life to God and do it right this time. I am getting baptized again :)

Looking back, in spite of it all, the heartbreak, the devastation, the going astray.. I can find a reason to be thankful. I got to experience God's grace and mercy to the fullest. There is nothing like it in all the world.



Starting over. My God is the God of second chances.

I was sitting in the bathroom and I am not going to tell you what I was doing. Anyways, I suddenly realized that I forgot to thank God for something incredible that he did for me and my family. Let me tell you what happened first.

We moved into a cheap apartment that approved us quickly since we didn't have much time to move out of my previous house. I had no idea that we had moved into a dangerous neighborhood. This area is covered with drug dealers and gangsters. What really shook me was that a gang wearing white masks banged on our door and tried to trick us into opening it. They were going to invade our home and do who knows what! The gang has been back at our home three times! My family and I are horrified and we are trying very hard to keep safe. I have been worried sick for my two boys. I praise God that we found a lovely apartment to move into in November but we have to hang tight until then.

I realized that God has kept us safe all this time. They tried to break into our home three times and three times they failed. It was the Lord! The first time they banged on our door, we were on the way to open it. My mom and I suddenly had this urgency in our hearts NOT to open it. It was weird but we decided to listen to our feelings. Praise the Lord! And the other thing is that God must have made the landlord forget to make us sign a lease. We have been living here for over a month and have never signed any papers! Imagine that! God must have prevented that so we are able to move out!

"The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower." Psalm 18:2 kjv

For the past month, I have been frantically searching for an affordable place to live. My financial situation is about to drop significantly this August and I have been downsizing everything I possibly can. I am not letting myself be upset or angry that I have to lose this beautiful home. We have an amazing four bedroom house with a huge yard in a very friendly neighborhood. I just want to thank God for giving me and the kids a whole year to enjoy this blessing! I didn't deserve this beautiful home at all and God allowed me to enjoy this with my family.

When I found out about the income change, I started to worry heavily. I admit it is my biggest flaw. I worry the life out of myself. I spent an entire month applying to apartment after apartment. It was either too expensive, had a long waiting list or in a bad area. The closer the deadline was, the more frantic and stressed I became. Then, I became convicted by a sermon in church this last Sunday. I knew God was speaking to my heart. My Pastor preached this verse, :

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. " Matthew 6:33.


I realized that I needed to seek God first, the things above and his righteousness. My mind was on all the other things too much. I would spend every waking moment restlessly worrying about all the details of the things I had to deal with in my life. Well, that didn't leave much room for me to think about God. Do we just squeeze in our thoughts of God in the pile of stuff in our heads? It should be the other way around.

I prayed about this and decided to leave it all up to God and let him handle my worries for me. Almost immediately, I could feel the difference. The past several days have been peaceful in spite of the situation I was in. Just today, something miraculous happend! I turned in an application to a nice apartment and my mom turned it in the same time. We got approved within two hours and not only that, but the manager got us an apartment where we can live above and below each other! My mom will be living in the apartment upstairs while I am in the apartment downstairs! That is amazing! Landon was so excited when he saw the swimming pool and the little playground!

I was like.. "Wow, this doesn't just happen. Thank YOU God!"


And I also realized that I wasted all my time and energy worrying. Life is great when God is in control!!

Thank you God for this time to enjoy a home <3

For those who know me, I was different when I was younger. I had more confidence, more innocence, more joy and I knew who I was. I tried changing myself so many times to please my husband that somewhere along the lines, I realized that I had lost my identity. I couldn't go back to where I was before because I had already changed so much. When he committed adultery, I lost all my self esteem. I was five months pregnant at that time I found out and I struggled because I felt even more unattractive with a gigantic stomach. I gave up on myself for two years and just felt like I didn't care anymore. I notice that I still don't. I just miss that feeling when I did. I was thinking yesterday that maybe I should try. For those who have lost their identities before, they know it's a long process. I want to start today.

I cried all morning. I feel like the dam broke. I just realized that I am the one that has been pretending that nothing has happend. I didn't want to feel the pain. I thought if I ignored it, then it would go away, but it didn't. I never forgave him all this time. I said I did, but I really didn't. I have been so angry and hurt all this time. I buried my feelings inside and I didn't allow myself to cry during this entire divorce! I finally did for the first time today. I was cleaning the house and talking to God, and then God pushed my heart and the dam broke. It's good to cry. I am finally letting it all out. I want him to know, wherever he is, that I forgive him.

Forgiveness. If we say we forgive someone, is that all it takes? I forgive him then. But everytime I see him, I literally want to vomit. My stomach wrings up and I feel sick. Everytime I get his email, I have to walk around the house and take deep breaths. I get anxiety and stress whenever he pops up in my life. My life is beautiful and happy, but it turns upside down anytime he appears. I can't believe I allowed this person to have so much power in my life.

I never had closure. I was never able to get it all off my chest and to say goodbye. He didn't give me a chance to do that. Instead, I swallowed it, buried it and resentment has been gnawing inside of me ever since. It was hard for me to sleep at night because I would vent at him in my mind. I would have nightmares about him. I realize that I am still so angry at him. He hasn't acknowledged what he did and how he hurt me so badly. He just pretends it never happened.

It shouldn't matter what he does or how he thinks. I shouldn't let it affect me anymore. I need God to come in and take away this pain inside of me. I have been hurting for a long time. I need to learn to forgive. Not for his sake, but for my own.

I want to move on. I am going to have to pray about this. It is obvious that I can't do this alone. I need God.

My family gathered together this morning for church. It was a special mother's day service. The pastor is an amazing pastor and his sermons never fail to inspire me. Today his sermon brought tears to my eyes. He was talking about God's plan for mothers to be there for their children and raise them at home. He told us a story of a little boy who had all the CDs he wanted, all the really fancy toys and brand new bike, but the little boy sadly whispered.. "all I want is my mother."

I am proud to say that I will be graduating this May with a degree in Social and Behavioral Sciences. I can hardly believe that I have made it this far. I have accomplished something that I have set out to do. I also have been learning SO much from the ladies at church and from my wonderful pastor. I can honestly say that I have learned more valuable information from my church than I ever have from my college.

I have found this great desire in my heart to do God's will. I started feeling something nudge in my heart recently that made me question things. I have been accepted to an university and I planned to become a teacher a long time ago. But this time, I feel like that maybe God is leading me to become a stay at home mother. I know that it sounds absurd in this day and age for a woman to give up a career and stay at home with her kids. But God has called us to become mothers and raise our children FIRST above other things.

In this world, everything has been getting worse. I see it everyday all around me and especially in my classes at school. It breaks my heart and my desire for my boys to become Godly is so great! I know that they need their mother there with them daily, to lead them, teach them widsom and understanding, to show them how to live a Godly life. I have heard that so many children out there envy kids who have their mother there for them all the time.

This semester has been brutal for me because I really noticed that I have been spending so much time at school and studying at home. I am too exhausted to do all the little things that count! My kids have been missing out on spending time with me.

What I want is to finish college. What I want is to have a career. But it doesn't matter what I want. God's will comes first and my children come first above my own desires. I want them to have the best life possible and I want to teach them SO much! I want to have this bond with them that will last all of our lives.

God chose me to be their mother. I am blessed for that forever. I promised God I will give everything I have as a mother and that I will teach them about him. It's hard to believe that I am coming to this decision but I feel like God is leading me this way. He has a plan for us and I trust in him. I know that this will be very difficult as a single mother, especially when it comes to finances, but God will always provide for us.

I have been living a certain way for the past two years. It's time that I come face to face with it. It is my dark secret and something that I must confess. The truth is, my heart died. The pain killed it slowly and then I buried it in the dark. I built an empire of walls around it. Behind my smile, I am so empty inside. My chest feels like a hole and the truth is that I am a ghost of the person that I used to be.

I have made so many mistakes. I realize that now. I am cynical and negative. Whenever I see people happy, I feel a thousand miles away. I scoff at love songs and romantic movies. I secretly think that every relationship is doomed and bound to be dead. I don't believe in love anymore.

How can that be when I believe in God? And God is love. The mistake I made was investing all of myself into a man that I fell in love with. I believed that the right man would complete me and we would have the adventure of our lives. When our marriage crashed and burned, I realized I lost everything. I lost my innocence. I lost my faith. I lost my hope and my joy.

I used to be a girl who would listen to "At Last" at full blast while traveling down an empty road in the sunset. I used to be a girl who believed in fairy tales and that love would last forever. I used to be a girl who had dreams. I used to be alive.

I never should have put everything I had into a man. I should have put it all in God. Through him, I may live again. He is my hope, my joy, my peace and he is my strength. He is my knight in shining armor who will shatter my walls and break the chains I have around myself. I know that there will be a happily ever after when I go to Heaven with him. It was him all along that I have been waiting for and I never realized it.

I did everything right but I forgot to trust in God. I built my life from scratch and I worked so hard to make everything beautiful again. I was in control of my life and obsessed to make things perfect. I have a beautiful home, a college education and my kids have everything they want and need. I believed that I would make a better husband, a better father and a better provider than any man could ever be for me. I shut everyone out. I shut God out.

And I have to let go and let God take the reins. It's scary to think about that. It's terrifying actually. It's like falling and letting God catch me. He will be in charge of my life and I have to let his will be done, not mine. I pray, oh Lord.. help me let go and to trust in you to take care of everything, even if things aren't the way I want them to be. Everything is in your hands now God.

Jesus said that he has come to give us life and that we may live in abundance. If we seek him FIRST above all things, he has promised that all the other things will be added unto us. Life is so much bigger than ourselves. It's all about God and I want my life to be a testimony unto him.

Forgive me Lord for all the times I have worried and doubted you. I was so blind. Come into my heart Lord. Let me live again and that I may live in you.

I remember New Year's Eve last year. I was in the middle of a hard divorce. Brady was still inside my belly. I could barely hold myself together and slept early that night. When I woke up, it was January 1, 2007. Something felt different. Sunlight streamed in from the window on what was supposed to be a cold January morning. That was the first day I ever felt peace and hope that everything will be allright. God quietly ushered into my heart and reassured me he would take care of everything.

Brady was born on January 12. It was an emergency induction because he had two cords wrapped around his neck and his heart was dropping. It seemed that God was on top of making sure he came out safely. We had a close call that I wouldn't be able to get him out in time, and if I had accepted the epidural (which was so tempting, believe me) then it would have prolonged the labor. The nurse explained it to me afterwards and said the epidural would not have let him come out in time. Thank you lord.

We found out Brady was deaf. I was actually overjoyed. I know people don't understand, but my son has my ears. When I was 7 months pregnant, I asked God if it was his will, I would love to have a deaf child. He answered my prayer.

In Spring, my mom had a heart attack. It was the only night I wasn't there. I came home and she was missing. I was terribly worried. She came home from the hospital late that night. The doctors diagnosed her with myocardial infarction and said she was in high risk for another attack within 45 days. She had to return to the hospital for more testing. She said she accepted God's will if he was ready to take her home. We prayed and prayed. The nurse looked at her baffled and said her heart is fine now and that it didn't make any sense.

We decided to move because they had better doctors who accepted our medical insurance. I also wanted to go to college. We searched without any luck for a place to live. Suddenly, I came across a rental listing and it was a house. It was a newly remodeled house with four bedrooms, a back and front yard in a very nice neighborhood. It was just one listing that I had on a long list of possible places and it was a hopeless one because I have no credit history. My mother has bad credit from her divorce. It was a one in a million chance to get that house but I decided to try anyways. Right before we met with the landlord, we all prayed together. Even Landon said, "Please Jesus. House." We met the landlord and before we ever gave him our application, he handed us the key and said the place was ours. What? Impossible. He gave it to us without ever looking at a piece of paper or knowing our names. Praise the lord. We love our home and it was the first place that we felt was a real home in years.

We found a wonderful church. They have interpreters for us. They follow the KJV bible. The church people have welcomed us into their homes and lives and they are our church family. I started faithfully paying tithe and I recommend it strongly to everyone because it really works. Our finances doubled and we have had so many blessings falling right out of the sky.

I started college this year and it was so strange going back to school after so long. I thanked the lord for this chance because I finally have my dream in front of me again when I thought it was gone forever. I felt like I came back to life this summer.

I still had the biggest thing in my life to worry about. Custody for my children. I prayed and prayed for a year that God would let my children have a home with me. Suddenly, I recieved a letter from my ex husband's lawyer that he wanted to fight for physical custody. I felt gravely sick and I was pale over it. It was the worst feeling going through this experience. I counted on the lord more than ever and asked my close friends and family to pray for us. That night before the court date, I prayed so hard that I lost my voice.

The next morning, my mother and I were driving to the court house. Suddenly, we both were smiling from ear to ear. We looked at each other and thought, what is wrong with us? I felt this surge of peace in my heart and it felt like I had already won. It didn't make ANY sense!! We kept grinning in the court room even though my stomach was in a thousand knots and I thought I was going to throw up! I tried my hardest in court and spoke from my heart. Courts favor joint custody nowdays, and it didn't seem like it was going my way. We sat in the room in front of the judge waiting for him to make his final declaration. I signed "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus" with my hands under the table. I knew he would never fail me. Not when I needed him the most. The judge spoke so fast and I missed what he said. My lawyer and my interpreter smiled broadly and said I won! I won! I won! What?! I won?? It was God. If you were there, you'd know it was God!! I felt like I could fly after that. My heart finally had wings.

I met with a counselor at my college and she grabbed a paper and told me I could get an AA degree if I signed it. I didn't plan on getting one, but ok!! lol. Then I had an "On the Spot" appointment with the university I was applying to the next day. I was nervous because this was my dream for years to make it. The girl who went first ran out the door in tears and slammed the door. I thought, "oh God, be with me." I met with the lady and she did some paperwork for several long minutes. I sat anxiously while she did her work. She looked up at me, smiled and said welcome to our university. Ahhh!!

Our old car kept breaking down everywhere we went. What a pain. It would take as long as two hours just to start it up. It went on for several months and it was stressful because I had no other car and couldn't afford to fix it. I prayed for a good, reliable car and I prayed particularly for a car with plenty of room so I could take people to church. I also prayed for an affordable one around 5,000 dollars if possible. One day, our car broke down in the church parking lot. Groan. A kind man named Kirk came and tried to help us start it. He said he had a good mechanic friend who could help us with it and he insisted on covering the cost. He let us borrow his car. My mom drove it home and noticed a "for sale" sign in the back. It was a Chevy Suburban with an extra row of seats in the back. It was for 5,000 dollars. We both looked at each other and couldn't believe it. The owners said they were just about to post it in the newspaper but they wanted us to have it. God answered our prayers to the dot!

This year, I realized more than ever before how much I truly need God and how much he does take care of us. I had to turn my life into his direction and live for him and try to grow spirtually as a Christian. I want to serve him faithfully and raise both Landon and Brady by him. I promised God in front of the whole church congregation in November and dedicated my children to him. I know God will watch over them no matter what happens.