Forgiveness. If we say we forgive someone, is that all it takes? I forgive him then. But everytime I see him, I literally want to vomit. My stomach wrings up and I feel sick. Everytime I get his email, I have to walk around the house and take deep breaths. I get anxiety and stress whenever he pops up in my life. My life is beautiful and happy, but it turns upside down anytime he appears. I can't believe I allowed this person to have so much power in my life.
I never had closure. I was never able to get it all off my chest and to say goodbye. He didn't give me a chance to do that. Instead, I swallowed it, buried it and resentment has been gnawing inside of me ever since. It was hard for me to sleep at night because I would vent at him in my mind. I would have nightmares about him. I realize that I am still so angry at him. He hasn't acknowledged what he did and how he hurt me so badly. He just pretends it never happened.
It shouldn't matter what he does or how he thinks. I shouldn't let it affect me anymore. I need God to come in and take away this pain inside of me. I have been hurting for a long time. I need to learn to forgive. Not for his sake, but for my own.
I want to move on. I am going to have to pray about this. It is obvious that I can't do this alone. I need God.