I am getting to know a new friend online and she mentioned that she couldn't find my life story on my blog. I started thinking that I didn't have one here and that I should make one. Also, God has been SO incredible in my life and I want to share what he has done for me. Ok, got your coffee yet? Here I go.
I was born in 1984 in North California. I was born deaf and I was born into a deaf family. I consider that very lucky since it's rare for there to be a deaf family. It's from a gene called Connexin 26 and two people have to be carriers of that gene to have deaf children. My sister came two years later in 1986. She was born hearing but progressively lost it at the age of two.
We were born on the road. For ten years, my father couldn't stay in one place too long. We moved about every two months. I spent my childhood in the backseat of a car (he couldn't keep the same car for too long either and would trade it constantly). I remember staring out the window and daydreaming about my future. All I did was daydream when I was growing up.
When I was 10, my mom finally had the courage to divorce my father. He was very abusive to all of us. He also admitted he was bisexual and was in love with a man in a wheelchair. The cut off shorts should have been a dead giveaway but what did I know back then? I watched him beat my family for years and even as a girl, I prayed that I'd be big enough to stop him. He was so evil to me. My own father and I never called him "dad."
My mom remarried very quickly to a self employed plumber. He was very nice and I loved him as my stepdad. We never had a chance to grow in our relationship as father/daughter because he was a workaholic and gone all the time. I didn't call him dad either, but he was a good friend.
I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior when I was 10 years old. I was aware of God and sought him out. I wrote a story about that experience in a previous post. Immediately, life changed and God blessed our family abundantly. We finally had a REAL home! I had my very own room! I got to stay in the same school because back then, I went to fourteen different schools. Life was beautiful for the next several years.
When I was 16, I was infatuated with a boy who worked at the local video store. I was terribly shy too and couldn't even bring myself to make eye contact for two years. Finally, my mom locked me out of the car until I wrote down my number to give him when I was 18. He called me that night. We dated for five months and married before he was sent to a Navy bootcamp.
I grew up innocent and wanted to save myself for marriage my entire life. When I met him, I was drawn to the world and I would do anything for him. I compromised myself and upon doing that, I left God in shame. I couldn't bring myself to face God for a long time after that. I also became terribly sick physically and constantly after committing that sin and everything started falling apart when I left God.
The two months that he was gone at bootcamp was terribly difficult for me. I joined him in Great Lakes, Illinois after he got out of bootcamp. Immediately, I noticed that he was a different person and I remember feeling afraid that I had married a stranger. Nevertheless, I ignored it because I was madly in love with him. He grew into a person that was far different than the one I had met. I don't know whether he changed, or if I was simply blinded by love before.
It had gotten worse when I was pregnant with our first child, Landon. The verbal abuse started, the neglect, and he became friends with a bad crowd. He started strangling me, banging my head on the wall and twisting my arm. He left us constantly and would go out all night. He became addicted to the single guy life, started cussing, listening to bad music, going to bars and spending a lot of money. Our family became his ball and chain. It was very difficult for me emotionally because I had no one to confide in. I was completely alone and isolated for three years in Illinois.
I became a ghost of who I was. I was very depressed and felt so alone in the world. My computer broke and I couldn't contact my family and friends. We had no cable tv and barely any furniture. I was stuck inside that tiny base housing with no car, no money and couldn't walk far in the snow. He was the only person I had to talk to and he wasn't around. When he was home, he acted so irritated and annoyed by me. My self esteem went down the toilet.
Finally, he was deployed to California and he stayed in south California while I stayed in North California with my family. He didn't want us to come with him so we'd "miss each other more" if we were apart. Before he left for the south, our relationship was falling apart. I separated from him for a week to make him "wake up" but he left for two days to party with his friends the moment I got home. He spent every waking moment with his friends and I desperately needed us to save our marriage. Divorce seemed to be inevitable.
He left and it would be a long time before I saw him again. I was so depressed. A week after he left, I played with my sister's pregnancy test that was sitting on her sink. I couldn't believe it when it was positive!! I was pregnant with Brady. I called him and he didn't sound thrilled one bit.
He came to visit for a few days in July and left. Financially, it was awful. We were negative 500 dollars every single month. When he left, I didn't hear from him for two weeks and we were negaitve 700 dollars. I was panicked and worried. I started searching for him. I opened bank statements, bills, emails, and everything I could to find him. I had NEVER opened these letters before in our marriage because he insisted on handling it. When I did, it changed me forever.
I kept finding more and more things.. secrets.. and I realized he was leading a double life. He was going to weekend getaways to the beach, he went to places he swore he would never go with women who show themselves sexually, he was emailing his ex girlfriend back and forth saying that we were getting a divorce and that he missed her. I was spiraling into a hole of pain and more pain as I continued finding more information. Hundreds of dollars was being spent for his clothes, dvds, cds, while I couldn't afford rent, diapers and milk at home.
I was a mess. I tried talking to him but he threatened to cut off our conversation and leave if I mentioned any problems. I cried and cried and I thank God for my family who helped us make it during these months financially and emotionally. I didn't hear from him for a month. I ran to a lawyer's office and got divorce papers. I told him I wanted a divorce.
I went to church with my mom and they intervened. They told me to go back and God can save our marriage. I felt inspired and I drove home and tried contacting him. But then at the same time, I noticed a girl on his MySpace profile that posted a happy birthday comment to him. I clicked on her profile and there were pictures, slideshows and all of that of them together in bed, kissing and she wrote "all night long and the morning after." I was in pure shock and I remember shaking so hard and saying "oh my God, oh my God, oh my God."
He denied it completely. He came to visit two weeks later for Landon's birthday and he finally admitted it. I was in shock and it felt like I was falling from the sky and hadn't crashed on the floor yet. I had the divorce papers on the table and told him to walk away from it all. I said I forgave him, but we needed to start from scratch all over again and rebuild our marriage from the ground up. He said he could not change and that he was happy. We had breakfast before he left and he looked lustfully at a hostess' rear end. I remember thinking that it would be the last time.
He signed the papers and left. That was it. He emailed me a few weeks later and said he knew we would get back together. At the same time, he was emailing a red haired girl online and giving her his phone number for him to "entertain her." I couldn't sleep until 4 in the morning and told him that I wasn't here to wait for him while he fufilled his lusts, became satisfied and decides to come back at his convience.
The following year and half, I was empty. I felt my heart slowly die and it became a black hole in my chest. I was so pale that people thought I had a terrible illness. I just didn't care about myself anymore. I had to keep going for my two year old and the baby in my belly. I can't explain it except that it's like you're dead but your body is alive.
My mom moved in with me during this time and she was an amazing support. She went through a divorce the same time I did. My stepdad was unfaithful and quickly married our neighbor. We helped each other through the hardest time in our lives. I am forever thankful because she taught me how to be strong.
I gave birth to Brady and it was like a dawn. He was so beautiful and God blessed me with a deaf child. When I was 7 months pregnant, I prayed to God in solitude by the window and said if it was his will, I'd love a deaf child. God answered my prayers. I slowly came back to life after that and tried getting my life together.
I moved here and life got much better. I went to college to finish my degree. God blessed my life incredibly. My ex husband left for 8 months in the military and we had a chance to experience peace. No arguements, no threats, no pain, no war. Just peace. I found this amazing church and grew very close with some members there.
When I felt worthless and ashamed, God reached for me, loved me and pulled me through. He used me even though I was nothing. He changed me, transformed me and he is my WHOLE life! I have been alone with my kids for two and a half years. I am using this time to grow closer to the Lord, to raise my boys in his glory and to find myself again. I'm no longer the same person I was back then, but now I have a chance to get to know myself again. God has given me a new identity and he calls me his own. I am his.