Bring on the Rain

I am proud to say that I will be graduating this May with a degree in Social and Behavioral Sciences. I can hardly believe that I have made it this far. I have accomplished something that I have set out to do. I also have been learning SO much from the ladies at church and from my wonderful pastor. I can honestly say that I have learned more valuable information from my church than I ever have from my college.

I have found this great desire in my heart to do God's will. I started feeling something nudge in my heart recently that made me question things. I have been accepted to an university and I planned to become a teacher a long time ago. But this time, I feel like that maybe God is leading me to become a stay at home mother. I know that it sounds absurd in this day and age for a woman to give up a career and stay at home with her kids. But God has called us to become mothers and raise our children FIRST above other things.

In this world, everything has been getting worse. I see it everyday all around me and especially in my classes at school. It breaks my heart and my desire for my boys to become Godly is so great! I know that they need their mother there with them daily, to lead them, teach them widsom and understanding, to show them how to live a Godly life. I have heard that so many children out there envy kids who have their mother there for them all the time.

This semester has been brutal for me because I really noticed that I have been spending so much time at school and studying at home. I am too exhausted to do all the little things that count! My kids have been missing out on spending time with me.

What I want is to finish college. What I want is to have a career. But it doesn't matter what I want. God's will comes first and my children come first above my own desires. I want them to have the best life possible and I want to teach them SO much! I want to have this bond with them that will last all of our lives.

God chose me to be their mother. I am blessed for that forever. I promised God I will give everything I have as a mother and that I will teach them about him. It's hard to believe that I am coming to this decision but I feel like God is leading me this way. He has a plan for us and I trust in him. I know that this will be very difficult as a single mother, especially when it comes to finances, but God will always provide for us.

I have been living a certain way for the past two years. It's time that I come face to face with it. It is my dark secret and something that I must confess. The truth is, my heart died. The pain killed it slowly and then I buried it in the dark. I built an empire of walls around it. Behind my smile, I am so empty inside. My chest feels like a hole and the truth is that I am a ghost of the person that I used to be.

I have made so many mistakes. I realize that now. I am cynical and negative. Whenever I see people happy, I feel a thousand miles away. I scoff at love songs and romantic movies. I secretly think that every relationship is doomed and bound to be dead. I don't believe in love anymore.

How can that be when I believe in God? And God is love. The mistake I made was investing all of myself into a man that I fell in love with. I believed that the right man would complete me and we would have the adventure of our lives. When our marriage crashed and burned, I realized I lost everything. I lost my innocence. I lost my faith. I lost my hope and my joy.

I used to be a girl who would listen to "At Last" at full blast while traveling down an empty road in the sunset. I used to be a girl who believed in fairy tales and that love would last forever. I used to be a girl who had dreams. I used to be alive.

I never should have put everything I had into a man. I should have put it all in God. Through him, I may live again. He is my hope, my joy, my peace and he is my strength. He is my knight in shining armor who will shatter my walls and break the chains I have around myself. I know that there will be a happily ever after when I go to Heaven with him. It was him all along that I have been waiting for and I never realized it.

I did everything right but I forgot to trust in God. I built my life from scratch and I worked so hard to make everything beautiful again. I was in control of my life and obsessed to make things perfect. I have a beautiful home, a college education and my kids have everything they want and need. I believed that I would make a better husband, a better father and a better provider than any man could ever be for me. I shut everyone out. I shut God out.

And I have to let go and let God take the reins. It's scary to think about that. It's terrifying actually. It's like falling and letting God catch me. He will be in charge of my life and I have to let his will be done, not mine. I pray, oh Lord.. help me let go and to trust in you to take care of everything, even if things aren't the way I want them to be. Everything is in your hands now God.

Jesus said that he has come to give us life and that we may live in abundance. If we seek him FIRST above all things, he has promised that all the other things will be added unto us. Life is so much bigger than ourselves. It's all about God and I want my life to be a testimony unto him.

Forgive me Lord for all the times I have worried and doubted you. I was so blind. Come into my heart Lord. Let me live again and that I may live in you.

Happy Easter to both of my beautiful boys! God has blessed me with two lil' angels in my life and I am forever thankful <3 I never imagined how beautiful you could be and you both are everything to me! Love Forever & Ever, Mommy!

I have been having deep and profound conversations with a good friend of mine. He showed me this wonderful verse from John 13:7, "Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." And it speaks volumes in my life and I am sure it does to anyone else.


And a girl wrote about the green light. I realized that every time I saw the green light, I always had my foot above the brakes. I always dreaded the red light and would slam it if it turned orange. And the majority of the time, the light would stay green. That shows how much I need to work on my faith in God. Letting go, and letting him take the wheel. I shouldn't dread and stress over things yet to come. I shouldn't spend my time watching for the tornados, especially while the skies are blue. "Why are ye fearful," said Jesus, "O ye of little faith?" in Matthews chapter 8.


He also gave me this phrase, "God is tough, but he is not blind." Jesus will be the one who will sit on the judgement seat and all the world will be gathered before him and his great wonder. He will be the most fair judge and all things will be revealed. Every act, every thought, every deed, everything done in secret will all come unto the light before his glory. I am sure we will all be put to shame.

John 10:7-18 (Beautiful Scripture) <3


7 Then said Jesus unto them again, Verily, verily, I say unto you, I am the door of the sheep.

8 All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers: but the sheep did not hear them.

9 I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.

10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

11 I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.

12 But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep.
13 The hireling fleeth, because he is an hireling, and careth not for the sheep.

14 I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine.

15 As the Father knoweth me, even so know I the Father: and I lay down my life for the sheep.

16 And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, and one shepherd.

17 Therefore doth my Father love me, because I lay down my life, that I might take it again.

18 No man taketh it from me, but I lay it down of myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again. This commandment have I received of my Father.

Happy, Happy Birthday Baby! I am so blessed to have you in my life and this past year has been glorious! Now that you're here, I can never imagine how life would've been without you! You're my darling baby and mommy loves you FOREVER AND EVER!

May 2008 be bright for you. My resolutions for me to keep are exercising, and to read the entire bible this year. My church brought me a schedule to read several chapters daily. I look forward to finishing college this year and to recieve my AS degree. Landon will be starting preschool and Brady will be growing more and more each day! I hope 2008 will be at least as bright as 2007 was for me. With God by my side, it will be.

I remember New Year's Eve last year. I was in the middle of a hard divorce. Brady was still inside my belly. I could barely hold myself together and slept early that night. When I woke up, it was January 1, 2007. Something felt different. Sunlight streamed in from the window on what was supposed to be a cold January morning. That was the first day I ever felt peace and hope that everything will be allright. God quietly ushered into my heart and reassured me he would take care of everything.

Brady was born on January 12. It was an emergency induction because he had two cords wrapped around his neck and his heart was dropping. It seemed that God was on top of making sure he came out safely. We had a close call that I wouldn't be able to get him out in time, and if I had accepted the epidural (which was so tempting, believe me) then it would have prolonged the labor. The nurse explained it to me afterwards and said the epidural would not have let him come out in time. Thank you lord.

We found out Brady was deaf. I was actually overjoyed. I know people don't understand, but my son has my ears. When I was 7 months pregnant, I asked God if it was his will, I would love to have a deaf child. He answered my prayer.

In Spring, my mom had a heart attack. It was the only night I wasn't there. I came home and she was missing. I was terribly worried. She came home from the hospital late that night. The doctors diagnosed her with myocardial infarction and said she was in high risk for another attack within 45 days. She had to return to the hospital for more testing. She said she accepted God's will if he was ready to take her home. We prayed and prayed. The nurse looked at her baffled and said her heart is fine now and that it didn't make any sense.

We decided to move because they had better doctors who accepted our medical insurance. I also wanted to go to college. We searched without any luck for a place to live. Suddenly, I came across a rental listing and it was a house. It was a newly remodeled house with four bedrooms, a back and front yard in a very nice neighborhood. It was just one listing that I had on a long list of possible places and it was a hopeless one because I have no credit history. My mother has bad credit from her divorce. It was a one in a million chance to get that house but I decided to try anyways. Right before we met with the landlord, we all prayed together. Even Landon said, "Please Jesus. House." We met the landlord and before we ever gave him our application, he handed us the key and said the place was ours. What? Impossible. He gave it to us without ever looking at a piece of paper or knowing our names. Praise the lord. We love our home and it was the first place that we felt was a real home in years.

We found a wonderful church. They have interpreters for us. They follow the KJV bible. The church people have welcomed us into their homes and lives and they are our church family. I started faithfully paying tithe and I recommend it strongly to everyone because it really works. Our finances doubled and we have had so many blessings falling right out of the sky.

I started college this year and it was so strange going back to school after so long. I thanked the lord for this chance because I finally have my dream in front of me again when I thought it was gone forever. I felt like I came back to life this summer.

I still had the biggest thing in my life to worry about. Custody for my children. I prayed and prayed for a year that God would let my children have a home with me. Suddenly, I recieved a letter from my ex husband's lawyer that he wanted to fight for physical custody. I felt gravely sick and I was pale over it. It was the worst feeling going through this experience. I counted on the lord more than ever and asked my close friends and family to pray for us. That night before the court date, I prayed so hard that I lost my voice.

The next morning, my mother and I were driving to the court house. Suddenly, we both were smiling from ear to ear. We looked at each other and thought, what is wrong with us? I felt this surge of peace in my heart and it felt like I had already won. It didn't make ANY sense!! We kept grinning in the court room even though my stomach was in a thousand knots and I thought I was going to throw up! I tried my hardest in court and spoke from my heart. Courts favor joint custody nowdays, and it didn't seem like it was going my way. We sat in the room in front of the judge waiting for him to make his final declaration. I signed "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus" with my hands under the table. I knew he would never fail me. Not when I needed him the most. The judge spoke so fast and I missed what he said. My lawyer and my interpreter smiled broadly and said I won! I won! I won! What?! I won?? It was God. If you were there, you'd know it was God!! I felt like I could fly after that. My heart finally had wings.

I met with a counselor at my college and she grabbed a paper and told me I could get an AA degree if I signed it. I didn't plan on getting one, but ok!! lol. Then I had an "On the Spot" appointment with the university I was applying to the next day. I was nervous because this was my dream for years to make it. The girl who went first ran out the door in tears and slammed the door. I thought, "oh God, be with me." I met with the lady and she did some paperwork for several long minutes. I sat anxiously while she did her work. She looked up at me, smiled and said welcome to our university. Ahhh!!

Our old car kept breaking down everywhere we went. What a pain. It would take as long as two hours just to start it up. It went on for several months and it was stressful because I had no other car and couldn't afford to fix it. I prayed for a good, reliable car and I prayed particularly for a car with plenty of room so I could take people to church. I also prayed for an affordable one around 5,000 dollars if possible. One day, our car broke down in the church parking lot. Groan. A kind man named Kirk came and tried to help us start it. He said he had a good mechanic friend who could help us with it and he insisted on covering the cost. He let us borrow his car. My mom drove it home and noticed a "for sale" sign in the back. It was a Chevy Suburban with an extra row of seats in the back. It was for 5,000 dollars. We both looked at each other and couldn't believe it. The owners said they were just about to post it in the newspaper but they wanted us to have it. God answered our prayers to the dot!

This year, I realized more than ever before how much I truly need God and how much he does take care of us. I had to turn my life into his direction and live for him and try to grow spirtually as a Christian. I want to serve him faithfully and raise both Landon and Brady by him. I promised God in front of the whole church congregation in November and dedicated my children to him. I know God will watch over them no matter what happens.